i’m doing it again…
Posted on | January 18, 2010 | 9 Comments
i’m slipping between people in a crowded room, making my way quietly and certainly to the door at the back corner. i lean against it, calmed by the idea that i can probably step inside the linen closet unnoticed if i need to. i’m losing my grip.
the door feels safe against my back and i content myself in watching the interactions of others, studying faces, expressions, reactions.
i’m running from things, from life. it always happens after all those glimpses of beauty and ecstatic moments of clarity and purpose. i oscillate between joy and the feeling that the bottom is going to drop out at any moment.
somewhere above it all, a sane and reasonable version of myself observes that i sound crazy and unstable.
i want to be reconciled. i want to believe that my dreams aren’t just dreams, but i also want the numbers to add up. i want to disable whatever it is inside me that triggers waves of depression and self-loathing every time i think i’ve made a mistake.
so many people look at others with envy or simply curiosity at the apparent ease of someone else’s life. i would like to be very honest and say that no matter what it looks like on the outside, everyone has to live with a bit of hell in their lives.
i wouldn’t trade my lot for anything, and you shouldn’t either. i still believe that we are at our best when being ourselves.
but i will say that it isn’t always easy.
love,
sam
Comments
9 Responses to “i’m doing it again…”
Leave a Reply
January 18th, 2010 @ 6:04 pm
This brought me great comfort as I continually doubt myself and feel insecure the majority of the time. My favorite thought is that we are unique human beings called to realize in life what nobody else can. Yes, it is true.
A Henri Nouwen Meditation: Be Yourself
Often we want to be somewhere other than where we are, or even to be someone other than who we are. We tend to compare ourselves constantly with others and wonder why we are not as rich, as intelligent, as simple, as generous, or as saintly as they are. Such comparisons make us feel guilty, ashamed, or jealous. It is very important to realize that our vocation is hidden in where we are and who we are. We are unique human beings, each with a call to realize in life what nobody else can, and to realize it in the concrete context of the here and now.
We will never find our vocations by trying to figure out whether we are better or worse than others. We are good enough to do what we are called to do. Be yourself!
January 18th, 2010 @ 6:07 pm
oh i love that meditation mish… thanks so much. a big hug to you, kindred spirit!
January 18th, 2010 @ 6:15 pm
It’s so much easier to look out at others’ faces and expressions and reactions than to look inside and feel our own feelings. Thanks for the post. It’s nice to see I’m not alone, just off in another corner.
January 18th, 2010 @ 6:21 pm
hearts.
i’m running right now too
xo
January 18th, 2010 @ 6:23 pm
i’ll wave at you from across the room jess.
you too bekah!
January 18th, 2010 @ 8:12 pm
wow. i have always been a people watcher and somewhat of a loner, even now, though i’m married and have children. someone who feels a little on the outside of things that are happening around me. thank you for sharing your feelings that ring true for so many. this is what i’m finding i love about blogs – there’s a lot of honesty and a lot of realizing one is not alone in many of the feelings (good or bad) that we experience every day. it is true – everyone has his/her own struggles and issues in life. every one. including moi. i’m pretty cynical and i don’t know if this will help you but i always got a laugh out of watching ‘deep thoughts by jack handy’ – did you ever see that on ‘saturday night live’?
“i’m good enough. i’m smart enough. and gosh darnit, people like me.” 
maybe mantras are possible. i find taking deep breaths also helps. sending you a virtual smile today, you are not alone in these feelings, sheila
January 18th, 2010 @ 9:03 pm
sam, this was a really beautiful post. i love your way with words, but the sentiment behind them was dead on. i find that i fluctuate on that same scale between self-hatred and incredible bouts of joy and productivity. where does one find that happy middle? thanks for posting this
January 18th, 2010 @ 9:04 pm
oh, and being myself…what a daily struggle
i take comfort in the knowledge that only in that place, will i find that i was truly meant to be
January 18th, 2010 @ 9:14 pm
sheila- thanks so much… for sharing and for the smile. that is exactly what i love about blogs too!
sunitha- ditto friend.