the last time i saw him.

i don't know what possessed me to pull out my camera at that moment, just before he drove off to go to lowe's, but i did. (i cropped myself out of this picture). i think that is the thing i regret most... not going with him to lowe's that day. he invited us, he was going to look for a/c units for the laundromat, but i didn't feel like going, just wanted to rest up... it was the only vacation time i was taking until after august, and i was being a prat. it was so selfish of me. it would only have been a few hours.

although we did tile some floor with him last christmas. that was the funny thing about my dad. he never just "hung out".... if you wanted to spend time with him, you had to go and do something with him.... like work on the car, fix a washing machine, or at the very least, drive somewhere together to look for a "part".

sometimes i wished i was a boy and could have taken more interest in all the wonderful world of gadgetry that was his, and his only, expert domain. i walked a strange line between being the product of two people later on in life who had wanted very much to give me a life of privilege and being outright spoiled and selfish.

there are so many things i would like to say to my dad, but the funny part is, i know without a doubt that it was impossible to have the kind of conversations i imagine in my head. he hated talking about feelings and emotions.... and wouldn't dwell on discussions about too much of the past. he came from a world where you didn't share that kind of stuff out loud, i came from a world where you share everything without any social filter.

it's hard to write about it, but at some level it feels good to do it.
i miss him terribly, it is still so unreal that he's gone.

-sam

woman in the grocery store

so i'm in line at the checkout, my antibiotic-free-range-fed-chicken sausage and veggie booty on the conveyor belt thingy, and i'm looking at the shelves of gum and chocolate yumminess that sit at every register.

ooh! i see fruit leathers on the bottom shelf are on sale. (we love throwing these in our bags for snacks). i crouch down and start grabbing some good flavors and .... out of nowhere....

this woman comes flying up behind me and, almost stepping on me, declares that she needs to pay for her ice cream bar, waving the box at me with one hand, the other of which is holding the afore-mentioned ice cream bar, unwrapped and half eaten.

i straighten up slowly and looking at her with only the mildest expression of shock at being addressed in this way, politely point to my things on the belt and explain that i am actually next in line to check out. she looked shocked. as if i routinely shop for groceries in the check out line... so silly of me to get in the way! or as if i was holding up a line somehow...(the woman in front of me was still busy signing her credit card on the screen).... or if i had a cart full of groceries... but i only had 5-6 items, including the fruit leathers!

anyhow... i laughed about it all the way to my car.

no. 4

no. 4
Originally uploaded by dwelldeep

this one is about stopping all the spinning wheels and cogs and being still. then letting all the feelings wash over me. all of them.

the pain
loss
bitterness
resentment
sorrow
depression
hope
desire to see revenge
loneliness
snippets of memories
love

it is a kind of cleansing process. forcing myself to be honest. to be real. to assess where my faith lies. is it in myself? or in something? or someone? to let go of what i cannot control. to surrender what i ought not control. to seek peace. forgiveness. wholeness.

feist

do you have a feist album?

go get one now. oh and the videos (most on youtube) are also good.

:) sam

an unsociable and taciturn disposition

i have one. lately i have desired to be mostly alone and not with people. i feel drained and want to sit around and write or draw. i wonder how long this will last.

no. 3

this one is a birthday gift for a friend whose line of work involves connecting with oppressed groups of people and bringing peace and growth to them...

today was really hard on my mom. we spent a long time on the phone talking about my dad and how strange it is that he's gone. i realized that i've been spending most of my time pretending it didn't happen.

on a lighter note, i got some method holiday hand soap today. it smells like christmas trees. go get some.

love to all!
sam

abbreviated thoughts...

so i'm trying to do this NaBloPoMo thing where i post every day for a month. no cheating. we'll see. i'm not actually sure i have all that much to say on a regular basis.

i will share a quote i jotted down while watching "the painted veil" with russ the other night:

"these men are like animals. they have no vision, only hunger and strength."

i thought that was a powerful statement.

that's all for now.
cheers!
sam