disruption!

sorry to all who tried to access my site and couldn't over the past 24 hours. i had a mix up with my service provider, but am back on track! thanks for your patience! love, sam

9.27.07

daily drawing. #100
so i bid you all adieu as my daily drawing series has drawn (ha!) to a close.

as i mentioned a few posts ago, i will start another series soon, probably something with collage, but i am going to take a little break for a few weeks or so. thanks for all the comments and feedback. this has been really fun and i've loved doing these!

cheers!
sam

9.26.07

daily drawing.

i just finished watching gangs of new york (i know i'm behind the times, but i don't have a tv, so i rent everything on netflix) and reading about the riots in burma. it grieves me that these things happen, and yet they always have and perhaps always will. there is something in our human nature, some kind of bent that needs to build a hierarchy of worth and then spend lives reinforcing whomever is currently the king of the hill.

i understand that other people may feel very differently about violence and war, but i will always be a pacifist. while i respect that others might have strong convictions to other values, i cannot support violence in any manner.

paperquilt project

i got asked to participate in this month's paper quilt project. the theme was "a day in your life" or something along those lines.

my life has been a little (read: LOT) different this month and i wanted to portray this dichotomy between where i was at the end of august and where i am now in september, acquainted with grief.

you can read (via the link above) about the paper quilt project and about the particulars of what it involves. the process really did inspire me and since i only have 3 (!!!!) daily drawings left for my series of 100, i'm thinking that little collages might be my next step.

love to all!
sam

9.24.07

daily drawing.

i just found out that another friend of ours lost her husband this weekend. i am in shock and at a complete loss for words...

9.23.07

daily drawing...

i'm learning to let it come out.... this has been hard for me.

9.22.07

daily drawing.

9.21.07

daily drawing.

i'm tired, but soooooooo glad it's friday.

9.20.07

daily drawing.

i'm writing this as i make m&m cookies. because people need cookies. they just make you feel better.

last night was hard. everything just kind of hit me at once and i cried for a long time. russ held me.

it was hard, but at the same time i am glad for it because i was starting to feel a bit like a robot.... my dad is dead and life is permanently altered and i have just been so numb. it was starting to bother me.

somehow some emotions broke through my protective shield and i felt that deep chasm that is loss. it hurts. sometimes it feels like i can't breathe.

so this is what grieving is like. i had no idea.

9.19.07

daily drawing.

i've been really forgetful lately... and kind of spaced out. i think it's just the result of continuing on my daily routines while trying to deal with loss.

it makes me seem a little crazy. but i'm okay with that. :)

9.18.07

today was a little better.

i could breathe. and accept some hugs.

9.17.07

daily drawing.

today was stressful. it's been hard to get back into a routine. my perspective and my sense of reality is just in another place entirely. but time is moving, deadlines are coming and the pressure just keeps building.

i'm trying to relax.

9.16.07

daily drawing.

you know how i complained yesterday about my allergies? well today i developed a sore throat. i guess when it rains it pours.

-sam

9.15.07

daily drawing.

at some point during my house cleaning and gardening today, my allergies went all haywire. my nose is dripping, my sinuses are hurting and my left ear is plugged up.

i've resorted to sitting on the couch with tissues stuffed in each nostril... it's less work this way. the place behind my cheeks under my eyes is throbbing, i swear i can actually FEEL it swelling up.

i think i'm going to give in and take some drugs.

did i mention i can't sleep lately? maybe the sinus medicine will make me sleep tonight. keep your fingers crossed!

-sam

9.14.07

daily drawing.

i've had my non-emotional days, but today wasn't one of them. it just hit me at lunch and i had a moment with the grief.

then i got all OCD and started a major cleaning of my work space.

i'm soooooo glad it's friday. i can finally exhale.

9.13.07

daily drawing.

9.12.07

daily drawing.

i don't suppose anyone is every really ready, but i just wish i'd had more time. sigh.

9.11.07

daily drawing.

i'm slowly trying to enter the normal world again. today was pretty numb. it's been hard to be enthusiastic about things, about my normal routine. i just feel really really tired.

-sam

p.s. i changed my template to load larger images of the daily drawings, so you don't have to go to flickr to see them, as they should be nice and big right here.

9.10.07

here are the daily drawings i've been doing since i went home.

leaving home was so difficult. i feel so out of place everywhere. like my ability to connect with the world around me is a little dulled right now... like a numb feeling. the outside world seems too bright to me, too colorful, too alive.

i am normally so independent, but right now i feel like a child. i feel as though i am being pushed into those thick, warm feathers and held tightly as i slowly unravel. i am comforted, but my whole soul is tense and tight inside my chest.

this is a sense of loss unlike any i have ever known. i move around like a shadow of myself; everything inside me is convened at one place, where all the memories, moments, thoughts are.... where my dad is and remains inside me.

it all plays like a big movie in my head. moments, images, feelings, sounds rush by... conversations are repeated... every detail is savored, scanned, searched for deeper meaning, analyzed in full.

my dad was an amazing man. we had hard times in our relationship, but we worked at it. i still cannot believe he's really gone.

i love you dad.

9.9.07

9.8.07

9.7.07

9.6.07

9.5.07

9.4.07

9.3.07

daily drawing.

my dad died this morning.

it feels really surreal and strange. i'm so glad i got to talk to him last night. it was a strange conversation, one that only makes sense in light of the present... if i'm honest, i have to admit that we weren't terribly close, but things had gotten better in the past few years.

i will be away for about a week again. i'll post the drawings when i get back.

-sam

9.2.07

daily drawing.

9.1.07

daily drawing!

i did have a bad hair day... but mostly because i made no effort to do anything to it.

this weekend is all about rest and getting my house back in order. school has started again for russ and fall is coming fast this year.

things i did today:
vacuumed the rug (our only carpet-like surface)
weeded and pruned in the garden
cleaned the kitchen (including that crack between the counter and the stove that is sooooo hard to get spots out of!)
baked home-made bread for the week
made myself a new purse/tote
re-organized our bookshelf by subject matter/alpha by author (like borders!)
and.... slept late!

i hardly EVER get this much done in one day.... i feel like i can finally exhale. the only thing i didn't get to do was yoga. sigh.

yay for a 3 day weekend! hope everyone gets lots of rest!
sam

8.31.07

daily drawing!