while weekends are my best time for cleaning, laundering (clothes!) and such, i often find that i am overcome with inexplicable laziness and often have to fight the urge to crawl back into bed... or more often than not i don't fight the urge and end up sleeping late AND taking a nap every saturday.
what's the problem here you ask? maybe it's just my personality or maybe it's symptomatic of my generation, but i often feel torn between a world where it's okay to listen to your body and rest and relax and a world where you are a failure if you don't get as much done each day as you possibly can. i end up with this insane and even more wearying battle in my head over my general feelings of guilt at not being productive and my general desire to get back in bed. if i were a truly rational being, i might try to find some middle ground and make sense of all this madness, but i am an emotional person and it seems that a lot of my internal arguments can't be penetrated by logic or reasoning.
i've though about counseling.
this leads to a larger life issue for me though, which has to do with general goals and lifestyles. i've always found a saddening break between the world my parents dream about and the world i dream about... i feel like what it means to be a successful person and a good Christian is so different for them than it is for me. maybe i'm just looking at superficial things and at the heart we would all agree on certain things, but i just know from experience that it doesn't always line up. honestly, i think it's just me...being 25 and still trying to figure out if it's okay to really be myself.
when i went away to college in austin, i started meeting all kinds of people that i'd never encountered in suburbia. sometimes it was pretty scary and other times it was uplifting, but it was always enlightening. i learned not to be afraid of people with lots of tattoos and piercings or of people in sororities.
being in art school also changed the outlook i had on life. when i was pre-med i used to walk to and from classes thinking about scenes from "good will hunting" and about what i would be able to afford when i was a doctor, which was usually related to clothing and houses and less related to charity. when i started art school, i had to accept that i might never have a lot of money ever. EVER. and i seemed okay with that. i started to really love creative people and their quirky ways. i loved their thick plastic glasses and their paint-splattered jeans and their espresso at all hours and their opinionated music tastes. i felt like i belonged there. this was something i could never seem to reconcile with my suburban roots. i've never been able to resolve the argument about what a person should really look or act like to be happy or successful.
maybe i did fall in love with the appearance of things a little. i guess it was somewhat a late teenage rebellion for me... an attraction to people who weren't perfect on the outside and crumbling inside like so many of the people i grew up around, but to a group of people who looked like what they were....
either way what lingers is a growing desire to love everyone in life no matter what their status or image.
to be truly humble and generous in every way. to be more like Jesus.
and i am so far from this that at times i feel utterly depressed about it. but i guess what i'm saying is that i don't think i'll ever be the person my suburban roots tell me i ought to be. and i may never be a "real success" at art either, but that i think it's probably a really good thing.
maybe what my over-achieving, busy-bee, perfectionist self really needs to accept is that maybe it's better for my soul if i come in 2nd place. or 11th.... just low enough not to make the paper, so that i don't get distracted by my own accomplishments or status, but i can spend my talents and energies giving to others. maybe i need to learn that it's not my job to "earn" every grace God is giving. like what that guy prayed in the parable: God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
feeling hopeful...
and a little more resolved after writing this
(though i can't promise it's a very lucid read)
-sam
