the last time i saw him.

i don't know what possessed me to pull out my camera at that moment, just before he drove off to go to lowe's, but i did. (i cropped myself out of this picture). i think that is the thing i regret most... not going with him to lowe's that day. he invited us, he was going to look for a/c units for the laundromat, but i didn't feel like going, just wanted to rest up... it was the only vacation time i was taking until after august, and i was being a prat. it was so selfish of me. it would only have been a few hours.

although we did tile some floor with him last christmas. that was the funny thing about my dad. he never just "hung out".... if you wanted to spend time with him, you had to go and do something with him.... like work on the car, fix a washing machine, or at the very least, drive somewhere together to look for a "part".

sometimes i wished i was a boy and could have taken more interest in all the wonderful world of gadgetry that was his, and his only, expert domain. i walked a strange line between being the product of two people later on in life who had wanted very much to give me a life of privilege and being outright spoiled and selfish.

there are so many things i would like to say to my dad, but the funny part is, i know without a doubt that it was impossible to have the kind of conversations i imagine in my head. he hated talking about feelings and emotions.... and wouldn't dwell on discussions about too much of the past. he came from a world where you didn't share that kind of stuff out loud, i came from a world where you share everything without any social filter.

it's hard to write about it, but at some level it feels good to do it.
i miss him terribly, it is still so unreal that he's gone.

-sam